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MONTHLY READER POLL
New poll! We've all seen them: those supposedly “real” excerpts from trial and deposition transcripts like: “Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.” Some of them have been circulating for 20 years. A visitor recently wrote to ask whether they are genuine and, if so, why they never include citation documentation. Good questions. What’s your opinion?
I think they’re authentic.
I think they’re mostly bogus. If they were real, they’d include documentation.
I don’t care whether they’re real or fake because they’re still funny.
I just wish people would quit clogging up my email inbox forwarding them to me.
 
Who is Suzy Spikes
(and why does she want us to know)?
(scroll down for Suzy links)

"We live in a hideously unjust society where the only thing anyone cares about is oppressing precious, innocent children."

— Suzanne Marie Spikes

So proclaimed 13-year-old Suzy Spikes immediately before her parents, Art and June Spikes, imposed sentence in Spikes v. Spikes, Case No. 1,094,908,436, in which Suzy was charged with 48 counts of Bad Attitude with Intent to Act Like a Teenager. Suzy attempted to pursue an expedited appeal, but Mr. and Mrs. Spikes issued findings of fact that Suzy had exhausted her appeals while still in utero and that they too were exhausted. They ruled instead that Suzy should make an expedited trip to her room to begin serving sentence.

. . . Just another day in the life of poor Suzy Spikes.

Suzy Spikes appeared in several Harmless Error columns, all of which find her fighting to protect adolescent freedom from tyranny wherever it raises its ugly head — at home, school, on the soccer field, just about wherever Suzy goes. She's a hero to young people everywhere for championing the cause of children's rights, especially her own.

Suzy's not a real person. She's modeled after my strong-willed daughter, Caitlin, who began majoring in pre-law as an infant. About the only major difference between Suzy and Caitlin is that Caitlin is not a delinquent — yet.

A Court TV reporter once called and wanted to interview Suzy. She was embarrassed when I explained Suzy is fictional, but she did not need to be. I was flattered Suzy had come to life for readers. In fact, Suzy did subsequently come to life and has threatened several lawsuits against me for misappropriating her celebrity right of publicity.

Of course, as parents of all teenage girls know, Suzy does live — in the hilariously histrionic world of adolescent girls everywhere.

Check out Suzy's world by clicking on the links below. Make sure you're well-insured before clicking, and keep your lawyer's number handy.

Sentencing Suzy (1998, Drama) Litigious adolescent defends herself against battery charges involving a misplaced Monopoly game piece.

Suzy Assumes the Risk (1998, Action) Litigious adolescent engages in hijinks on the soccer field while her coaches seek to avoid tort liability.

Suzy’s Re-dress (1999, Noir) Litigious adolescent crusades against school dress code on behalf of garment-oppressed youth.

Suzy’s Breach (2000, Comedy) Litigious adolescent fights for free speech against media conglomerate bent on making her pay for magazine subscription.

Suzy’s Soulmate (2001, Romance) Litigious adolescent struggles to find love, only to lose it over a contract dispute.


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Copyright 2001-2008 Andrew J. McClurg